WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
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Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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