you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
