Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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