Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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