i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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