Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
