i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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