you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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