Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
