Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was confusing and full of hummus
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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