I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
