I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
