I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
