I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
