Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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