Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Drake has all the answers
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
