ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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