people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
