We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
