You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
