I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
