Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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