Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We need to rekindle our bromance
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
