smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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