she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
