textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize