Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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