i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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