We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
