we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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