god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
