Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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