I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
