If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
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but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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