i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
