I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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