im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Come on in and take your pants off
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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