I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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