We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
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hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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