You're so nebulous sometimes
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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