I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
