If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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