Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
