I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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