I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize