You can't motorboat a personality
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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