Your face is a jimmy john
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
