Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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