I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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