Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
