that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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