So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
