Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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