i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
