Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
