right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
