i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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