I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
