I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
