You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
