You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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