Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
