grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
