its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
