just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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